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Having someone you love deployed, whether
child, partner, relative or close friend, is extremely stressful. An article
I wrote Called "Separation Protest Reactions" helped mothers whose
sons were being deployed in Georgia, so I repeat some of the information
here. The newsletter editor wrote me, "It helps us understand why we're
acting like we are."
STRESS
When we must separate from a loved one we have
reactions that are physiological and emotional that are beyond our control.
However, our emotional intelligence skills can helps us manage and tame
them. It starts with understanding and self-awareness.
SEPARATION STRESS
Studies of newborns separated from their
mother shows us the extremes of "protest-despair behavior." The
infant's body reacts, pumping out stress hormones that affect the
sympathetic nervous system, and certain somatic or muscular behaviors. There
can be a ten-fold increase in glucocorticoid levels (cortisol, the 'stress
hormone'), approaching neurotoxic levels (Modi and Glover, 1998).
Gastrointestinal functions are inhibited. The heart beat slows, body
temperature falls, and the infant "withdraws," presumably in an
attempt to "survive." If prolonged, the immune system is
compromised.
Any separation from a loved one during our
lifetime will mimic this reaction to separation, because we're humans,
because we love, because we bond.
At the same time, if the person being deployed
is your lover, you'll be deprived of the oxytocin, the hormone released when
we touch, or even think about, our love that makes us feel so good. The
price we pay for the joy of love is that separation is painful.
PROTEST, DESPAIR, DETACHMENT
In the child's separation response, the stages
are protest, despair, then detachment. In a poignant description, Bowlby,
who studied attachment, writes, "The facial muscles sag ... Loud
wailing may be replaced with low intensity whimpering or sobbing." In
the detachment phase, the child gives up and stops looking.
As adults, we have a cognitive understanding
of what's going on, but we still have our primal emotional reactions to
separation - when an affair breaks up, or a loved one dies, or we face
separation. We can still 'detach' because of the pain of missing.
WHAT TO EXPECT
Expect, first of all, that nothing anyone
tells you will be helpful, and may, in fact make you angry, including what I
say in this article. What you want to hear is that it's all a joke, it isn't
happening, and anything short of that won't work.
That having been said, I go forward. It's
NORMAL, under these circumstances to:
· Feel like you're going nuts.
· To cry a lot.
· To have trouble making even the smallest
decision.
· To find food tastes like cardboard.
· To sleep fitfully for short periods of
time, or want to sleep all day and night.
· To feel angry.
· To kick the kitchen stool in your way and
be unable to talk about what's really going on.
· To breathe funny.
· To be short-tempered.
· To experience rage at the inability of
anyone to say or do anything that helps
WHAT CAN HELP?
The worst thing you can do is isolate
yourself. If you have adequate opportunities to share feelings and receive
feedback, you'll have fewer symptoms related to stress.
"Share your thoughts, vent your anger, or
ask for help," says the Submarine Wives Club. "We are all in the
same 'boat' and are here to offer support and advice."
1. Find support groups. National Deployment
Support Groups: http://www.submarinewivesclub.org/supportgroups.html
2. Prepare in advance. This site has some
practical tips: http://www.submarinewivesclub.org/information.html
3. Learn what others are doing that's helpful.
Here is pre-deployment information on how to survive the separation: http://www.submarinewivesclub.org/survive-separation.html
4. Try the Military Spouse support page: http://www.militaryspouse93.com/
5.
At the stress forum, you can ask questions, share tips or find a sympathetic
listener 24 hours a day at http://stress.about.com/mpboards.htm
6. The National Military Family Association
offers information and services: http://www.nmfa.org/.
7. Read the Navy's guide on signs of
depression: http://www.submarinewivesclub.org/depression.html
8. Hire a coach. This is the perfect time to
treat yourself to an outside source of support where you will be listened to
and understood. It can be a relief to get someone more objective than your
immediate social group. A coach can help you stay positive, give you tips on
coping, and teach you skills for handling transitions. Also this could be a
great time for you to work on some new goals for yourself. Learn more about
yourself, explore your strengths. (For FREE Strengths course, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc.)
Keep the good things in your life going!
9. Work to develop your emotional
intelligence. The EQ© Course ( http://www.susandunn.cc/courses.htm
) provides foundational information for coping, handling transitions and
adversity, and managing emotions. On the Internet, it will help you
understand where your emotions come from and why they make you feel as you
do. An EQ coach (http://www.susandunn.cc)can
help you practice these skills and incorporate them into your life on a
daily basis for lasting life benefit.
10. Take positive action. The Navy Family
Deployment guide says: "The cure for depression is the same as
prevention. Take positive action. Behavior is changed by thoughts and
feelings." Join a support group, hire a coach, keep family traditions
thriving, plan activities, set new goals, take care of yourself and don't be
alone.
11. Xtreme Self-care. Because of these
physiological responses, you need to pay attention to your general wellness
routine. You may not feel like running in the morning, but do it, and you'll
feel better - in the short-term and in the long-run. Find healthy food you
can enjoy - eat small snacks all day, if you're appetite is low. Get a
physical checkup if problems arise.
12. Know your limits. If you are experiencing
an especially difficult time, get professional help. Therapists and
counselors are waiting to help you.
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Susan Dunn is The EQ Coach.
Visit her at http://www.susandunn.cc.
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